Eat Pray Love begets Drink Curse Hate: The Making of a Blockbuster

Like counter-terrorism experts, we hack writers are always trying to learn from the last big event. When a book about a racehorse became a Hollywood blockbuster, all of us went looking for the next Seabiscuit. When Dan Brown struck it rich with The Duh Vinci Code, the Internet collapsed under the collective weight of our frenzied search for new medieval cults.

And now comes Eat Pray Love. With Elizabeth Gilbert’s touch-feely atrocity hurtling toward the big screen like a Scud, the most resentful among us are taking cover, all the while thinking: Why not me?

Two weeks after launching this blog — the most ambitiously bottom-feeding attempt to cash in on male bitterness — here is an inside look at the creative process that led to the one and only response to what is sure to be the summer’s most revolting film.

Crap Wipe Wash Potty training turns traumatic for an Upper West Side toddler when his fumbling efforts at post-egestive hygiene earn him a withering reprimand from the hired help. Distraught, he flees the family’s lavish flat, stumbling past the doorman and onto the subway for a wild ride to the Bronx, where he winds up in a tenement and comes to the edifying discovery that not all homes have live-in nannies.

Binge Burp Purge A henpecked middle-aged husband, under constant assault for his dietary habits, develops a debilitating case of manorexia, a “silent killer” of countless spineless men with overbearing wives and low self-esteem. A humiliating scene involving nachos at a sportsbar ultimately sends our hero to a recovery clinic, where a fiery love affair with an obese custodian gives him the inner-strength to file for divorce, move to a new apartment and balloon happily to 700 pounds.

Golf Fuck Golf The Tiger Woods Story

Fellate Felch Floss A stomach-turning documentary about oral sex, crude erotic manuevers and their deleterious effect on dental health.

Drink Screw Curse Despair Loathe Hate The inspiring story of three underachievers who channel their resentments and petty jealousies into an impassioned blog, which spawns a book deal, which begets a movie, which inspires similar small-minded animosities among legions of other underachievers, who launch their own blogs and sign their own book deals, further accelerating pop culture’s ever-quickening downward spiral.

–JOSH