Health Check Time and a Fragrant Bloke in Denial

A woman in the office recently emailed me to ask if she could take a morning off work to attend a company-sponsored private health check.

“I’m not sure how long it’ll take,”she added “have you been on one, Mike?”

“Have a guess.  I’m a bloke, of course I haven’t been on one! “

I live in denial, that’s what being a bloke is all about. There are a few I know who torture themselves by attending a once-a-year medical, then suffering huge bouts of depression for weeks afterwards. Why would you? I invite you all to come see me and give me your hundred quid. Better still, set up a direct debit into my account and read the following once a year:

You drink too much. Give up the fatty foods. Take more exercise. Stop smoking. Porridge is a slow-burner and fish is a good source of Vitamin X, Preparation H, or something like that.  If you carry on like this you’ll be dead by the time you’re 40/50/60* (delete if you have the strength), and FOR GOD’S SAKE STOP PLAYING WITH YOURSELF!!!

As a great man one said “My body and I divorced years ago but we’re still forced to live together.”I couldn’t agree more. My body has long been a source of annoying pain, strange creaks and noises where once it was in tune with my every need.  Now it resists my every move, creaks at my every bend, aches at my every step, wheezes at my every breath, sweats at my every thought, farts at my every pint.

Now I hear you say “well do something about it, then.!” OK, but at what cost? Have you seen your colleagues coming into the office after their lunchtime jog? They look terrible!! If I looked like that after being in a pub, I’d never go in one again. And they sweat. I mean THEY SMELL BAD. There’s a guy who sits next to me (cyclist) who has apparent disregard for the others in the office. I’m told women find male sweat alluring. Well this bloke must be the most alluring man in London . He allures like a skunk. No, I’ll stick to being ‘big-boned’ and fragrant, as opposed to skinny and rancid.

According to my girlfriend’s  Wii Fit which I bought her for Christmas, I am overweight. Cost me a hundred quid for that one too.  But it doesn’t matter, does it? As any woman will tell you, they don’t like a man for his body, it’s his MIND that attracts them. They want someone who makes them laugh, gives them a cuddle, buys them flowers and puts the loo seat down. They’re not interested in money, six-packs or big willies. The only thing that matters to them is that you’re caring and understanding, and you don’t piss the bed after a night on the booze with the boys. What the hell DON’T they want????

-MIKE

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